Shamed

Breaking up is hard to do.

Breaking up is hard to do with your first real boyfriend.
Breaking up is hard to do from a longer-term relationship.
Breaking up is hard to do when his entire family has come to know and love you.
Breaking up is hard to do when your mutual church family has come to know and love BOTH of you.
Breaking up is hard to do when, from the length of your relationship (over a year), church people begin to ask when the wedding is.
Breaking up is hard to do when you’re afraid what people will think.
Breaking up is hard to do when you’re afraid that the lies are true.
Breaking up is hard to do when you feel* like you’re letting the last boat sail away from the island you’re on.
Breaking up is hard to do when your other friends have “safely” arrived on the shore of marriage.
Breaking up is hard to do when you feel* like your friendships are more like long distance phone calls across the channel.
Breaking up is hard to do when you feel* left behind, forgotten, and unwanted.
Breaking up is hard to do when you compromised your values and now you feel dirty.
Breaking up is hard to do when your heart was troubled in the relationship and is now shamed outside of it.

*I know not to trust the “feels”, don’t worry. It’s just hard to ignore them (even if you know they’re not gospel truth).

But by the grace and love of my Savior,
my guilt and shame is gradually lifted…
He sees the need of the sparrow…
my perspective is gently shifted…
and I am growing in the midst of sorrow.

Thank you to every friend and wise voice I’ve encountered these last several days (including the speaker at Life Coast that the Holy Spirit spoke through so clearly). This has been a culmination of all the “little” internal battles I’ve ever fought. This is the biggest “boss” I’ve ever dueled. My enemy has waged war on my heart, but he will not take this high ground. Because my God is FOR me. My gaze is set. My footing is sure. Watch out Satan, I’m leveling up.