I am so thankful for my life
I truly do have many reasons to be thankful. Where God has placed me. How He created me. Who I belong to. And everything that falls under those categories.
Ugh…still, only mostly.
Can I be honest?
I would like the gift receipt on living single in a married (or lustful) community–depending on the setting. I would like the gift receipt on being allergic to the cold, and being called to live set apart. I would like the gift receipt on still belonging solely to my parents’ family when I’d much rather…. be “On Mission” someplace warm with a Godly, loving husband and having all the holy sex I want. Yeah, I said it.
I’d much rather be “On Mission” someplace warm with a Godly, loving husband and having all the holy sex I want.
But Kirsten… (insert scriptures about contentment, fulfilled promises with patience, and good gifts here)!!!!!!
Trust me. I know it all. Ok, that didn’t come out right. I know all the semi-scripted “answers” already. And they do give me hope! I’d be happy to share them if you ask, but I’ve learned that knowing the answers don’t instantly fix your feelings. I’ve listened to the wise ones in my life, I’ve listened to 6+ sermons a week, I’ve studied the scriptures…I know the “answers.” I’ve toughed it out. I’ve cried myself to sleep, I’ve tossed and turned, I’ve tried to talk to people, I’ve tried to recharge alone, I’ve gotten closer to God, I’ve talked to Him, ranted to Him, and listened to Him. I’ve tried to forget the past and strain ahead.
I told a good friend recently, “I feel like a football tackle frozen in time.” Like every muscle in my being in straining against what is determined to destroy me, but my opposition is not giving way. Did you see it? I FEEL. I can KNOW everything I do, and still FEEL hopeless.
“I feel like a football tackle frozen in time.”
This is not an explanation of why I’ve decided to give up on God and do what I want. This is admission of my weakness, my humanity and my frailty. I tell you this, if I learn nothing else during this time in my life…I will learn compassion. I will. As long as I continue to pursue God’s heart and ask Him to make me like Him…I will. I understand better now than ever how people are driven to drink or use substances to drown out the pain. I understand now more than ever how people (Christians even) can be so depressed that they don’t want to get out of bed. I guess I never expected the intensity of emotion that would come with becoming like Christ. I’m used to being pretty logical and level-headed for a female. (That wasn’t a knock in women. I’m just honestly not characterized by drama and flurries of emotion.)
God is messing with the very things I characterize myself by. He’s messing with my identity, my perceived strengths, and my expectations of life.
I guess I never expected the intensity of emotion that would come with becoming like Christ.
I HAVE resolved to use the advantages of this particular season for the Kingdom of God. However, I also admit that it is hard to actively wait in readiness. At the end of the day, I know God is working. He does not sleep. He is not a procrastinator. He is not lax or lazy.
God is planning every detail of a grand surprise party. And (let me be cheesy for a sec–I mean it IS 1am)…He’s in the process of giving His faithful servant (and her MIA prince) an other-worldly makeover before her entrance to the ball. My dad, was probably right after all (goshdarnit):
I will be surprised by joy.
So, in the most circuitous (←new vocab word!) manner possible…
God, I thank you for giving me the things I don’t want, and for keeping from me the disastrous, less-than-best things I’ve practically demanded from you. Thank YOU for being good even when I am perplexed (and offended) by the unique way you are dealing with me. Thank you for the lessons I’m learning and the compassion I’m acquiring. Thank you for the truth-telling, wisdom-sharing people you have placed in my life. And finally… Thank you for positioning me in my assignment. I know for a fact that I am no “second-string Kirsten”. You’re training me for the big leagues–and not the stands either. There’s nothing I used to hate more in volleyball than conditioning, but there ain’t nothing like playing to win.
∴ I press on.
P.s. If you haven’t listened to Pressing On by Relient K recently, ya’ll should get on that.